02/17/2021
FREE: 4,000 pounds of uncut, unwashed fish.
Due to a clerical error, we have acquired an untenable amount of fish, and the stench is unbearable. This has resulted in the following inconveniences:
-Removal of all beer from the beer fridge, to make room for our thousands of pounds of raw, rotting fish
-Removal of all condoms and candy bars from the aisles, to make room for our cornucopia of untreated marine life
-Sparse attendance at our nightly in-store s*x parties. To all D-Mart groupf**k aficionados, we assure you: our store is still a safe, albeit now deeply unpleasant, place to participate in commerce-themed or**es.
-An invasion of fish-hungry raccoons and possums, who have made our store an even less optimal location for shoppers and lovers of the flesh alike.
-A lawsuit from the Oregon Board for Marine Life Protection. We assure you, we didn't want this to happen either.
We will do anything to rid ourselves of this ungodly mountain of fish. You people say you want to support small businesses during these difficult times, but we see you walking right by our store and ignoring the catastrophe at hand. Please, take our fish. If you do not, we will most certainly be financially ruined.
